i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
