the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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