Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
