just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
