How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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