it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
