I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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