i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
