I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
