Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
