It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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