It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
