i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
