Moan for me like Helen Keller
He passed out mid-signature
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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