I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
