I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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