As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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