nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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