My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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