girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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