Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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