Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
