I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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