You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
