After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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