Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You smell like stripper and shame
My balls are so social today.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
