Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
