Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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