so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am spending my child support on dildos
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
