I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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