I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
