The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He better not be in your backpack
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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