at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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