On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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