SEEEEXXX PLEASE
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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