Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
