Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
