i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In other news, I just burned my penis
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
