She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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