Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my being single is dangerous.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
