I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
