I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
