I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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