I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
