from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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