Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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