youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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