Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
