I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
