I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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