I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
