Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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