apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
