It's like God shit irony all over that family
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
