I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
