I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
