That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
