The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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