I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
